Even If

To wrap up another year of writing for a blog, surviving, and some days thriving, I always post something on this site. Something to summarize and recap, discuss future hopes and dreams, but most of all, come to terms with acceptance.

2018 has been one of my most emotional years, and I’ve dealt with a lot of fear, both big and small. With a heavy mixture of doubt, sprinklings of anxiety here and there, and the occasional deep sadness, the kind that can only be fixed with sleep or a bubble bath, 2018 helped me grow stronger in my times of weakness. The times of pain or fear cause such a great appreciation for the good days, and having a healthy balance of good and bad is how life runs so smoothly (as if).

This year felt long, and thinking back to the early parts of 2018, I hardly remember the earrings I got for Valentine’s Day or the crazy silly videos my roommate and I laughed at late at night. I don’t remember the bad days either, like when it rained for a week straight and I didn’t smile for the whole 7 days. That’s the beautiful and scary thing about the human brain: it allows you to forget.

But now that I finally have a free moment (very few in the past month), I want to remember the good and the bad of 2018.

I handled finances better, and planned for the future like a professional 20-year-old adult.

I said goodbye to my roommate of freshman year as she moved back home.

I got a Pomeranian puppy.

I had a difficult time managing homework, tasks, and leadership positions.

I fell even more in love with my college town.

I got my first ever waitressing job.

I battled anxiety more than ever.

I let go of friendships.

I made new ones.

I got a new car.

I felt stuck a lot of the time.

I celebrated two years of dating my high school sweetheart.

I traveled to Arizona twice, Boston once, and Texas once.

I struggled with self-image.

I got my new favorite tattoo.

I read a lot.

I didn’t write as much as I would have liked.

But nevertheless, she persisted, and I showed up at the keyboard today to start the year right. Every year, I create a vision board and dedicate a word or a phrase to remind me of my motivation for the near future. In 2019, my mantra will be “even if”. The saying goes: “Fear = What if. Faith = Even if.” Working on putting my fears behind my faith is my biggest goal of 2019, and I’m hoping that with this year, I’ll remember that when things don’t always seem the brightest, I know that even if the sun isn’t out, it’s still right behind the corner.


Madeleine Rheinheimer

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